Differently

As I have stated before, I see things a little differently than most people. People I have told this to have called me crazy, and they're right. I AM crazy. However, not everything that I can see is "abnormal." I notice things about the people I see.

I was talking with a close friend of mine not so long ago about a train ride we went on that day. I Told her some of the things I remembered about the people on the train and she said I was creepy for looking at other people in public, much less remember things like what tattoos they had visible, the color of their clothing, even that their phone had an ugly fake gem decal in the back.

I hear a lot of people say they like people watching. The same kind I people who say they want to watch a movie and then open up tumblr on their phone halfway through the opening scenes.

Why bother if you're not going to pay attention?

On just about any given day I go out, I could tell you how many people were barefoot, how many guys had fake gems on things they owned, peoples tattoos, the colors of said tattoos, how many people needed an attitude adjustment, how many women had purses, etc.

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's creepy to stare at people you don't know, but I can get most of that information with just a few glances. All I do is pay attention.

I cam hear the soft tinkling of a music box in the distance. Even through the wind and trees and rain I know the song, and I know it's impossible for me to be hearing it. Hearing it make me think, though, of how long She's been absent from my life. It's been so long, I can't remember the feel of her hand in mine. I can't remember the warmth of her face; the smell of her hair; the sound of her voice. And that, more than anything, recently, depresses me. It depresses me because it's really all I had left of her....and it's gone...just like her......all that's left is the hole she left in me, filled with the pain of her loss...

Identity

I look in the mirror every day, at least once. The person I see isn't me.

He isn't anyone.

If it wasn't in a mirror, I'd think he's just another shattered person, just going through the motions of being alive. Even then, just barely.

It makes me sick.

It's not that I don't know who I am, or rather, who I want to be. It's that I can't be Him anymore. Time, like a river, only flows in one direction.

Some days, I can feel my being try to tear itself apart from trying to exist in two different times and places. He's upriver, rooted in place, while I'm carried downriver with the rapid current. The tether that binds me to him gets tenser every month, every week, every day. I don't know what I'll do when it finally snaps...

Zen

The chill wind tonight feels soo good on my skin, i wish it would never leave. Even though it's turbulent, I feel like it's blowing through all my Cracks and Fragments, taking all my stress with it. It's penetrating chill easing my pains and worries...I'll sleep well tonight....

What am I?

I can only be received if I am shared by another. I am typically shown attributed to the light, but I am not without darkness. To hear my name invokes joy in some, but despair in many. I am the Elixir that can heal the Spirit. I am the Venom that poisons it. In my name, countless men and women have fought and killed, both each other and themselves. I am a stronger drug than cocain, meth, LSD, and ecstasy, combined. I have the highest high if you are blessed by me, but the lowest crash if I leave you be. Poems and lyrics both praise my name and curse my existence. I cam just as easily make the insane sane and the sane insane. I easily corrupt the Mind of those without me. Those that want me want nothing more than they want me. Those who have me could live with little else happily.


What Am I?

Dreams

I've been having a few recurring dreams as of late. 3, to be exact. This one, though, I really don't understand. I'll paint the scene for you.




I stand in a sea of sand that stretches all around as far as the eye can see and further still. The sun and the moon are in the same sky, moving closer to one another. I watch as they slowly meet. The instant they are aligned, the world turns monochrome. I watch a moment, in awe before they, now one, fall from the sky and land in the sandsea in the far distance. My body is lifted a few inches off the ground and, as if by a new gravity, pulled insanely fast to where the eclipse landed. For what seems like an eternity, I speed along the sand, which parts like water beneath me. Finally, I come to a stop several feet from the eclipse, it's colors pulsing in ripples of monochrome. I step forward an reach out my hand, as if to touch it. Before I can, it bursts shooting 7 suns into the sky, each radiating a different color. I watch them circle around casting strange light on the monochrome sands. When I look down, where the eclipse had been is a strange crystal-type thing. It looks like two triangle pyramids, one upside down, one right side up, joined together. One by one, the suns drop into this crystal. Once the last one falls in, the crystal rises into the sky and there's a great flash, causing me to shield my eyes as to not be blinded. Dropping my hands from my face, I look around. What was once an endless sea of sand was now a limitless ocean of lush, green, waist high grass. The crystal descends to where it was. The grass around it is crushed, as if repulsed by the crystals gravity. The crystal begins spinning, first slowly, but it picks up speed steadily until just short of blurring together. The sky darkens quickly and a bolt of lightning flashes. All at once, all is in flames, all but the crystal, still spinning. Within moments, rain falls heavily from the dark clouds, putting out the flames. A strong wind lifts me into the sky, and I look down. Where once was fire is now an enormous ring, filled with countless interlocking rings, with this crystal in the centre of it all. At this point, the wind gives out and I fall. Just as I'm about to be impaled by one of the sharp points on the crystal, I wake up.



Any ideas?

Depressed

I dont know if you noticed, but I've been trying not to post anything deliberately depressing. Being very depressed is the reason for my absence. It's really hard to not be depressing when you yourself are depressed.

Being depressed makes me look back on my life. Lately, I've been thinking about what happened with Alani. I know I've mentioned her at least once or twice so far, maybe some other time I'll tell you the whole story. But I digress.

A long time ago I was reading, what, even then, was a really old blog post of a friend of mine. In it she said something along the lines of people getting lost in each other and loosing themselves in the process. She said somewhere along the line "Adam" and "Sally" becomes "Adam and Sally," and one can't think about what life would be like without the other. At first I thought she was just being distant, until recently. Mainly because I'm pretty sure that's what happened between me and Alani. I wanted soo much to be a part of something, I became a part of her.

One-sidedly or not, I will probably never know.