It's a Little Frustrating

I've heard people tell me I've got a real knack for writing. They tell me, "Oh! You write so well! Why don't you write more often? We do enjoy it so!" And it's true. I am an ok writer, sometimes. I have all these visions in my head; countless scenes of infinite diversity, all of which would make wonderful stories. Here's the catch: I cant control it. It does whatever it damn well pleases. I have two stories, unfinished because it decided it wanted to stop. Sometimes I can manage to coax it out for something important, but most of the time it wants nothing to do with me. If I reach out to it, beckon it, it runs away, like a skittish cat. But as soon as I don't need it or have given up on it, here it is, rubbing itself against my eyeballs again.....Actually, it's a lot like my baby, GooberSmooch. Goob gets in these moods sometimes, she'll purr and meow and rub up against your legs, but bend down to pet her and she's just out of reach, still purring and meowing, moving away slowly, like she wants you to catch her, but when/if you do, she curls up and becomes submissively unresponsive (or to those in the know, a circle), thinking only of how to escape. It's a little frustrating :/

Fog

Fog is awesome. This isn't always a good thing. Light fog gives the world a dreamy haze that I CANNOT get enough of. Thick, thick fog is more like a blanket you can hide under, without the copious amount if heat and lack of oxygen.

However, at night, my imagination kicks into high gear.

Light fog at night is where Faeries hide. Their pale glow slightly illuminating the fog at the corners of your vision.

The thick fog at night is where the NOPE likes to hide. Nightmare creatures creeping, watching, waiting, just beyond the point where visibility ends. Every bare tree looks like Slenderman, every flicker of motion The Rake. Every slight sound sending your lizard brain into a NOPE filled paranoia......It's pretty rad.

Mirrors, Take 2

I know, we've already talked about mirrors, but I found something out awhile ago and I've been trying it. It's creepy as shit.

Mirrors are scary. Period. They reveal everything they see, even if you cant see it. Buy, as unnerving as that is, mirrors aren't just creepy windows into Satan's Realm in real life. In dreams, mirrors become infinitely more disturbing. They are always different, every time. Sometimes like real mirrors, sometimes fogged up in strange patterns, sometimes rippling like water.

But, that's not the strangest part.

Your reflection is. Again, always different, but always disturbing. Sometimes it's so strange, you don't even know it's your reflection in a mirror, and others it's so grotesque you wake up in a cold sweat.

I've been practicing lucid dreaming so I can not only have super awesome dreams, but so that I can trick my brain into sleeping while still awake. Its been working ok, but not even 50% success rate yet :/

Television

Somewhere along the line, you changed. You've always sucked the life out of whatever room you were in, but now, most of the time, anyway, you give nothing back. Albeit, there are some exceptions, like Fringe, Bones, Sanctuary, but mostly crap. In the last few years, you've given us such monstrosities as Rachel Ray and Paranormal State. Not to mention abortions like Dancing with the Has-Beens and those GAWDAWFUL live action shows on Cartoon Network.

Speaking of Cartoon Network, SINCE WHEN has live action ANYTHING been even a REMOTELY ACCEPTABLE substitution for cartoons? If I tune in to CARTOON Network, I DONT want to be FACERAPED by "Dude, I'm soo baked, let's make a giant slingshot and try to jump over the moon like the cow in that one story" or "Let's blow up a pile of junk, make it into another pile of junk, and blow it up AGAIN." Cartoons are becoming bad enough without their help.

And what about American Idol is so entertaining for you people? People suck, get voted off the island leaving the good people, all the good people get voted off the island AND THE COUNTRY SINGER ALWAYS FUKKIN WINS. It's about as stupid as NASCAR, 50+ rednecks driving in a circle for 4 hours.

When are you going to get BETTER instead of WORSE?! |:[

Locking Old Doors

She's been gone for so long, I can't remember her face. She was the first REAL love of my life, and I've forgotten her face. I knew long distance relationships never work, but right now, almost two years have past and I haven't heard from her. Right now, I don't know if she's alive or if she's died.

I closed that door quite a while ago, but I hoped she'd say something, even if it was just to break up officially, that wouldn't have been as bad as this was. It tore me up so bad, the depression caused delusions that sent me to the psych ward. But that's a story for another time.

The Door is locked now. If she wants to act dead, then so be it; She's dead to me. And I've already finished mourning.

The Sun

I think I mentioned once before that I don't like the Sun. Allow me to go into detail of why.

First of all, its ugly. Like one of those gaudy baubles an older woman would wear, rather than cosmetic surgery, to distract from her noticeably aging face.

Secondly, it's light is so harsh, like an oppressive weight, hammering down unrelentingly, even in colder months.

And, last but not least...actually, probably most of all, the fact that, even though it's much like an ugly bauble that you can't resist looking at, YOU CAN'T FUCKING LOOK AT IT. that drives my ADHD straight up the wall. A shiny you can't look at. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?! |:[

The Moon, on the other hand....

The Moon is beautiful. The Moon is mysterious. The Moon is deep and poetic. It gently caresses the darkened landscape with it's pale glow. It drifts across the night sky like a pearl in a sea of diamonds. I could drink in it's elegant light for hours and never be full...

Rain

It's raining tonight. The soft white noise of its tears hitting the trees and grass bring many memories to light.

A friend of mine asked recently why it is that dark clouds and stormy weather are symbols of depression. To them, rain brought contentedness, even joy.

It took me a while to respond, since I, too, find dark, cloudy, windy days more enjoyable than sunny ones and hadn't really thought about it.

Now that I was, I learned something about myself.

Depression is symbolized in such a way for a few reasons. The first being that it is the opposite of happy, usually depicted by the sun.

But it goes deeper than that. If you look at the sky on a rainy day, you see clouds, dark and tumultuous, like the thoughts of one who is depressed. Every drop of rain falling, another tear, another short-coming, another failure, mercilessly beating you into the ground. Every bolt of lightning a taunting glimpse of what happiness was. Every echo of thunder a roar of frustration. The rising water levels filled with torrents of despair or stagnating apathy and numbness. High winds channel self hate and self loathing outward in a pointless, violent rage at everything.

It all fits, doesn't it?

Misery loves company, and I sure do enjoy rainy weather. Seeing that, even nature can feel like I feel all the time, even if just for a while...

ALL OF THE WARM

I'm sleeping out in the garage tonight.

Why? AH MISS SLEEPIN WITH MAH BEHBEHS ;m;

And even though I'm in the garage, it's not so cold. 5 cats under a blanket = the flames of a thousand collapsed stars, giving me ALL OF THE WARM. I can't MOVE, but why would I want to? They'd all get up and maybe go somewhere else and THAT, my friends, is counter-productive.

Besides, as uncomfortable as I am now, I WOULD be EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE on that GODDAM couch everyone shafted me with |:/

So......

Paw Power

Yahtzee

Shaboodles

Rammalammadingdong

Snaboopi-pop

I forget where I was going with this.....

CrossRoads

I'm 20, almost 21 and have never had a job. I finished HighSchool by the skin of my teeth, going less than half the pace of normal school. I'm damn near COMPLETELY USELESS. I'm grotesquely overweight. I haven't a penny to my name. I'm on food stamps now to help pay for food while leeching off my dearest Gramma to survive, along with the rest of the house I lived in since they got foreclosed on. And I'm steadily going back insane.

It's at this point that I stand with four paths ahead of me.

The first and probably most productive path is going to College. This is probably the least likely path for a number of reasons, first and foremost being money, or a severe lack thereof. This path would, possibly, lead to better jobs and higher income. I find that hard to believe, given that all companies are culling, pruning, and still capsizing.

The second path that lies before me is that of the Doucebag. The one that slithers his way into a higher position through a family tie or a friend higher up. These people see others only as stepping stones to the top. These people tend to slip in their own sleaze and do something stupid, making everyone look bad.

The third path is the path of doing nothing; The Loser path. Barely scraping by on money from odd jobs, relying heavily on as much aid as the Government will give. Typically ending up as an alcoholic or some other addict.

The last path is the road most traveled. That of the Drone. The one who has managed to get a job, signs the contract and sell their soul to the Machine, inso losing themselves.

I've seen all of these happen. I see no choices that end well.

The Wind

Its cool and dark outside tonight. No moon or stars can be seen where I am. Its nice. And the wind makes it that much better. It sings its sweet, delicate lullaby to all who listen as it dances through the trees. A distant wind-chime tinkles softly as the wind toys with it.

I wish this moment would last forever.

Just me and the wind and the chime.

Its one of the few things I still really, truly enjoy. Its one of the only things that remind me I'm not all replaced parts. Its the only thing left that always alleviates the crushing emptiness of depression, like it's blowing through me too, not just the trees, filling all my empty spaces. It's the only thing that I can really, honestly say that feels good still.

The wind, to me feels like loneliness, and that, maybe, we can be lonely together, making us both not so lonely, even if just for a while.