O. JEEZ.

I hella almost rage'd myself into a heart attack today. The fuckin self check-out machine at SaveMart errored out after I put erry item in the bagging area, saying, "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA." Then after fighting with the machine for the better part of 10 min, I forget mom's PIN number(I used her card cause I was gettin groceries and she was bein lazy -.-') so I call her and she has to be all rude about it cause, GOD FORBID I INTERRUPT HER FREE BLACKJACK GAME. THEN I get home to be bitched at by Dad for taking too long at the store, and then again for buying things other than what was for dinner tonight(a jar of jam and 5 2liters of Dr Pepper for $5). AND THEN I LOST THE FUCKING CARD. By this time, my blood pressure was pokin the moon.So I took a swig of the Dr and let out a LLLLLLOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG burp. It was literally like 15 seconds, after which, I felt light headed and WORLDS better, but still pretty bad. So mom gave me some pills, idk what they were and we went out to the car to find the card, which we did, thankfully.

After all this, I was still pretty rage-y, so I sat on the couch and had me a cigarette, just one.  With that and the Dr and the pills mom gave me, I feel pretty good now. :3

RAGE.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of karma. I'm sick of life. I'm sick of being depressed all the time. And I'm sick of whatever it is that I am. I make a decision, they get mad and veto it. I ask them to decide for me, they get mad and make me do it. I ask fo a mere echo of what happiness was for just a few minutes, I get AN INGRATEFUL SONOVABITCH THAT ONLY THINKS OF HERSELF. I do my best in school, I'M FUCKING 19 AND STILL IN FUCKING HIGHSCHOOL. I try to do good things with my life, life roundhouses me in the face like its fucking Chuck Norris.

I'm sick of people tell me I need to grow up. Even my Gramma, "Oh, one of these days I hope you act your age. -.-' " Why would I do that? More importantly, why would you even say such a thing?  In case you havent noticed, the vast majority of people my age are either GREATER-THAN-THOU pompous sonofabitches that it probably WOULD kill to think of anyone other than themselves for an instant or cracked out menaces to society that are too high to even notice what their doing. I mean, sure, there are some wide margins, but it pretty much describes 75%-80% of the known world. Almost a third of all the people my age that I know have kids already. Is that REALLY what you want? Most people my age that havent graduated yet have DROPPED OUT. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO?! People my age that are as depressed as I am tand to go to school with a loaded gun, kill 6 people and an-hero. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE?!

I dont want to be any of those things. I dont even want to be me.

-REBOTTLING UP ALL THE RAGE-


-DEEP BREATHS-

-Zen Breath-

All better, if you can call it that.

SO. MUCH. FAIL. ;-;

While I was at school today, someone brought their kid in, no joke, and for liek an hour, he just sits there, swaying around in a circle making that "PTHBTHPPTHBTHBPTHTHBBB" noise, that "XP" kinda thing. I turned to Ryan, one of the teachers and said, "Hey Ryan, my brain is totally making that sound right now, like you have no idea." He laughed and said "Yeah? How so?" "Well, I've been working on this question since before the kid over there got here, like an hour and a half ago." "Whats the question? O.o" "-blahblahblah something about the Preamble to the Constitution-" "Alright, lets take a look............uh..... .__.' ...." "What?" "You're on the wrong page. This is the Declaration of Independence......" " O______o You're kidding......." "Uh.....*points to the title, IN BOLD, AND TAKING UP THE WHOLE TOP THIRD OF THE PAGE, Declaration of Independence.*" ".....................you mean to tell me that I've been on the wrong page......for whats going on TWO HOURS?! ;-;" "Looks that way, huh? You weren't joking, your brain must be makin that noise." He laughs and I <HEADDESK> a few times. That wasnt all the derp that happened today, but it was the most derp...y....er....est.... I know what I'm talking about.... .__.

Back Again

Sorry for the absence. I just bought Kirby's Epic Yarn and I just couldnt put it down. lol

Anyway, my reason for the last post is that he called me that day, out of the blue, like nothing ever happened.
I'm not sure what I should do. Should I just go with it? Should I call him back? Should I just ignore him? Should I hurt him as bad as he hurt me?

Christ, I sound like an Exgirlfriend or something. lol

Anyway, I could use your input. :)

Change

I knew, from the second day of 5th grade, I didnt want to change. That was the day I met the only person who liked me for who I was, not what I looked like on the outside. That was the day I was no longer an outcast, the fat kid noone wanted anything to do with. That very first recess, we became best friends. He taught me to care less about what people think. He gave up his chance at early popularity to bring me up to the middle tier. He gave me a reason to be happy, really happy for the first time in a long time, perhaps ever. It was that first taste of belonging. It was that day we promised each other, we would not change, because we were awesome the way we were. We were Brothers.

Years pass, and as they do, I watch the people around me change. I watch as devoted and caring boyfriends become abusive and self-centered. I watch as girls my age go from flirty and care-free to having 1, 2, 3 kids and no future. I watch as my own family becomes more and more distant. Worst of all, I watch as my Brother, slowly, slowly, becomes more distant to me.

Eventually, I fell into a real bad place. Having exhausted all the people I called my friends, I turned to him, my Brother, for support. Just after my delusions broke, I told him about what happened, about Alani, about the delusions. He was the only one I thought would understand what happened. After I told him, he did the one thing I thought he could never do. He did what everyone else I told about it did. He, my Brother, branded me a liar and stopped speaking to me.

If I was broken before, that scattered, even destroyed the pieces of who I was.

It was at this point I created my Face, to mimmic all the missing pieces.

Face

It occurs to me that some of you may not know what I mean when I say my Face. When I say Face, I dont mean the fleshy organs covering the front of your skull. Its a little deeper than that. My Face is who I present myself to be. When I say that, a lot of people tend to say that that is lying to people. They, of course, assume that I'm presenting myself as someone I'm not. Actually, when I think about it, they may not be entirely wrong. I am not me anymore. I'm not enough of me to be anyone, for that matter. I have so many missing pieces that, without my Face, I probably couldnt function in normal society. Without my Face, I dont speak, I cant think, I dont eat, I cant work, I cant see, I cant hear. My body virtually in autopilot, like a drone, just going through the motions. With it, I can funtion and appear as normal as I used to be. This Face functions as all the pieces of me I no longer have. Pieces like my joy, contentedness, laughter, tears, hate, basic anger, and several more that I dont wanna write out. My Face remembers what these pieces were like and simulates them. However, its not perfect. It slips quite often. I cant cry in sadness or in joy. I laugh at inappropriate times. I seem distant alot. Just little things you start to notice when someone else points them out.

I may tell you how my Face came to be, but I'll leave that for another time.

this one was my status a few days ago, but I dont think I put it here, so here it is

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, sit in place and show me all. Visions soaring through your glass, from the future, from the past. As much as I beg and plead and cry, you will never, NEVER lie.

and this one too

Mirror, Mirror, white as bone, why must I be so alone? I only wanted not to change. Is that so bad? Is that so strange? The Mirrors voice was cold as stone, "This is why you are alone."

Deus ex Machina

I love reading. Even more than reading, I like stories, be it from movies or TV, even games. One of my favorite stories is the story from Tales of Symphonia, a video game. A good stoy doesnt neci-....nesi-.....necce-.....doesnt have to start out interesting to have a grand cressendo of an ending. Thats because, no matter how slow the beginning is, its the ending that ties the whole thing together. Look at The Widard of Oz, it even started out in sepia black-and-white, and its a world famous movie. This is because it had a good ending. Nothing kills a story faster than a bad ending. Deus ex Machina endings are the WORST. When you're reading a book, or whatever, and the story goes something like, "Ha-HA! WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EPIC FIGHT SCENE! BUT, OH NO! WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF PAGES! AND EVERYONE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER." Thats a Deus ex Machina style ending. If you ever decide to write a story that anyone else might read, DONT EVER DO THAT. EVER. Srsleh. Nothing good can ever come when you pull God out of Machine.

"AND THEN IT WAS....what day is it again?" "Mon-" "MONDAY! >:D" " -.-' "

I'M FUCKIN SICK OF BEIN DEPRESSED. >:( When I'm depressed, I gorge myself on just about anything that will fit in my mouth thats been deemed "eatable." When I'm depressed, My Face doesnt stay on, I have to put it on every hour or so. IT HAS TO STOP. And it may be my good fortune that my mother found a new psych doctor for me, so I can start taking my meds for the first time since I left the hospital last summer. I know, I know, "Dont start and stop taking your meds, it fucks up yer head an it stops working altogether." Well, I didnt start and stop, I stopped. No herky-jerky on-and-off shennanigans. As soon as I got my previous refil, I stopped, because I didnt know when I was going to get more. And, had I continued taking them, I would have had to start and stop. I picked the lesser of two evils. Although, it may just have been my chronic selective hearing. Considering my mother's track record, this is probably the case. In any case, I have to talk to her about it. AGAIN. I swear, that woman needs to learn how to listen when people talk to her. -_-'

At any rate, I'm tired of talking about it.

This piece is kinda old-ish, but I liek it, so I posted it. DEAL WITH IT. :D

Banshee

I sit here, chained in the darkness, in the middle of a ring of people. People I knew. People I trusted. People I opened my heart to. People I went so far as to call my Brothers. All facing away from me. A ring of Betrayal. I've been here sooo long, I've given up crying out to them. They wont turn around. They never do. The chains gripping tighter, tighter, untill everything vanishes into the darkness. And from the dark, empty space, a scream rings out. A scream drowning in Dispair, empty with Loneliness, and ice cold with Rage. Yet I feel nothing, deep, dark, hungry nothing. Destined to wander, forever empty, forever in darkness, forever alone.

Mirror

Lets talk about Mirrors.

I have a strange facination with them. They terrify me. They inspire me to write. They never lie. I can see things in them that would make most people cry. Both in joy and dispair. I lay my hand on them and close my eyes, and when I open my eyes, they show me things.

Recently, I dont know what came over me, but I laid my hand on a mirror and closed my eyes. When I opened them, what I saw made me cry.

You know those times when you make a decision and think, what could have been? Did I choose right? I had one of those. No, thats not totally right. I've had many, as anyone has, but I saw what could have been, in the mirror.

I saw back in time. Back when Alani and I still...*sigh*...when we were still together. She asked me a question, just 2 months before she left. At the time, it freaked me out and I answered without thinking, I said No, even though she said if I said yes, she could stay with me, forever. She wanted to leave just as much as I wanted her to leave. At the time, and untill I saw the vision in the mirror, it was absurd. She asked me to...well...I guess there's no way to pussyfoot around it. She asked for me to make her pregnant.

I saw a young man, laying on a couch, reading Paradiso. Suddenly, a little girl peeks over the top of the couch and jumps on him. He laughs and, having put the book down, laughs and begins tickling her. She wiggles and screams and laughs and tries to get away. As this is going on, a beautiful woman walks in and scoops up the little girl, who I notice is in a nightdress, and says "Alright, enough play with Daddy, time to go upstairs to brush your teeth and go to bed."

Its at this point I recognise the scene. It was her house. All the furnature was the same. My point of view was that of the wall mirror. The man was me, I could tell by the laugh and the mole on his cheek. And the woman was her, no doubt about it. The little girl couldnt have been more than 3 years old. Thats how old our daughter would have been, had I said yes. Yeah, I know for sure it would have been a girl. I suppose, in the end, that the usually life ending decision for a teen to do something like that would have saved me. She was soo adorable, and I cant even children. I guess its true, what they say about how its different when its your own. But the little girl, she wasnt mine. And neither is Alani, anymore.

When I took my hand away from the Mirror, I saw and felt tears streaming down my face. I went to wipe them away with a tissue, but it came off dry.

Nothing Says MANLY Like Repressed Emotions c:

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I've not been myself lately. Old scars have been weighing heavily on me and it crushed my Face. But dont worry, I got it all fix'd and refitted and good as new. :3


In other news, earlier this morning I went on a tour of the Sac State campus. IT WAS SOO PRETTY! Owo They have a 5 story Library. I almost shat my pants when I walked in, IT WAS SOO BIG! <w< I almost didnt know how to deal with it. And there were trees ervrywhere an like 7 Java City's all over the campus. They even had greenhouses and an obsevatory. *w* Unfortunately, I prolly wont be goin there. They dont have what I really want. They have no culinary program. ;-; oh well...

"OH SHI-" " >:( " "-take mushrooms c:" " -_-' "

Hella almost forgot to put up a new post, so its late. AGAIN. -_-'

It makes me kinda sad that my brain is fully active after everyone is asleep. I mean, dont get me wrong, I'm awake during the day, but I'm only operating at like 40%, or just enough to function at a half-ass rate. But when 11:00 pm comes around there's a little *ding* in my brain and suddenly it starts to boot up. Thats part of the reason I LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE walking around at night. I think its the third love to be exact, the first and foremost being that I dont like the sun. Didi I ever tell you that? Hmmm... I cant remember... Oh well. I have now, at least.

Anyway, I have some homework thats due tomorow thats not done, so I'm stopping short. Night! :3