Mirror

Lets talk about Mirrors.

I have a strange facination with them. They terrify me. They inspire me to write. They never lie. I can see things in them that would make most people cry. Both in joy and dispair. I lay my hand on them and close my eyes, and when I open my eyes, they show me things.

Recently, I dont know what came over me, but I laid my hand on a mirror and closed my eyes. When I opened them, what I saw made me cry.

You know those times when you make a decision and think, what could have been? Did I choose right? I had one of those. No, thats not totally right. I've had many, as anyone has, but I saw what could have been, in the mirror.

I saw back in time. Back when Alani and I still...*sigh*...when we were still together. She asked me a question, just 2 months before she left. At the time, it freaked me out and I answered without thinking, I said No, even though she said if I said yes, she could stay with me, forever. She wanted to leave just as much as I wanted her to leave. At the time, and untill I saw the vision in the mirror, it was absurd. She asked me to...well...I guess there's no way to pussyfoot around it. She asked for me to make her pregnant.

I saw a young man, laying on a couch, reading Paradiso. Suddenly, a little girl peeks over the top of the couch and jumps on him. He laughs and, having put the book down, laughs and begins tickling her. She wiggles and screams and laughs and tries to get away. As this is going on, a beautiful woman walks in and scoops up the little girl, who I notice is in a nightdress, and says "Alright, enough play with Daddy, time to go upstairs to brush your teeth and go to bed."

Its at this point I recognise the scene. It was her house. All the furnature was the same. My point of view was that of the wall mirror. The man was me, I could tell by the laugh and the mole on his cheek. And the woman was her, no doubt about it. The little girl couldnt have been more than 3 years old. Thats how old our daughter would have been, had I said yes. Yeah, I know for sure it would have been a girl. I suppose, in the end, that the usually life ending decision for a teen to do something like that would have saved me. She was soo adorable, and I cant even children. I guess its true, what they say about how its different when its your own. But the little girl, she wasnt mine. And neither is Alani, anymore.

When I took my hand away from the Mirror, I saw and felt tears streaming down my face. I went to wipe them away with a tissue, but it came off dry.